Layers of paint
by SunflowerWielder
Summary: After an argument, Lightning sleeps, dreams, and remembers something for the worst. "But shush, quietly, because she couldn't let anyone find her." Terrible summary I know. Rated T for language and abuse.


**OK, this is a bit of a block buster, sorry about that. But I wanted to write it.**

**This is based a _lot_ on my favorite book of the moment, 'Solace of the road' by Siobhan Dowd. It's an awesome book, and if you can grab a copy then I recomend it, but obviously there are spoilers for the book in here. Just letting you know.**

**Disclaimer: FFXIII belongs to Square Enix, Solace of the road belongs to the estate of Siobhan Dowd.**

**Right then, let's rock.**

* * *

Lightning pulled the pillow over her head and scowled.

"Just shut UP Snow!"

"I will not shut up, and take that damned pillow _off_ your head!" The leader of team Nora was angrier than Lightning had ever seen him. "Take it off, _**NOW**_!"

With a sigh, she pulled the pillow off, sat up and spun around to glare at him.

"What?"

"What do you mean, 'What'?" He snapped. "You know what. You told Hope to... what was it? Oh yeah, 'Stop crying about your blasted mother already'."

"And there's something wrong with that?" Lightning asked, crossing her arms defensively. Snow stared at her.

"He's a kid! A kid whose mother has died, of course he's going to be upset!"

"Why do you keep defending him? You know he hates you."

"That's not the point Lightning! For once, just have a heart!" Snow frowned. "Wouldn't you be upset if your mother died?"

"I can't remember my mother genius." Lightning said coldly. "I don't see what the big deal is. Parents let you down, it's about time Hope learnt that."

"..." Snow shook his head. "You can be a real bitch sometimes." He stood up and left the room. Lightning lay back down on the uncomfortable inn bed.

"Bastard." She muttered. With a sigh she turned onto her side and tried to sleep.

She had told a small white lie. She could remember one thing about her mother, which was that she hated her, very much so.

Lightning hit the pillow in frustration. God. Why couldn't anyone just understand that they had a mission, and they couldn't stop to give Hope emotional counselling every few minutes.

She was slightly relieved Snow hadn't heard the beginning of the conversation.

_"For pity's sake, you're probably better off without her!"_

Considering how much Hope hated Snow, he probably never would hear it... Vanille probably would, but she could handle her.

Lightning heard Vanille come in.

"Hope told me. What you said." The younger girl explained. "Lightning, I know you might not remember your mum, but Hope does, and it hurts. Haven't you ever lost anyone?"

"That's none of your business." Lightning hissed, clenching her fists.

"So you have." Vanille sighed. "You know it hurts."

"Go to sleep Vanille."

"Lightning-"

"Shut the _fuck up_." The soldier snapped, turning to face the wall. There was a long pause, before she heard sheets shuffling.

"Snow's right." The girl muttered. "You can be a bitch."

Lightning remained facing the wall, eventually hearing Vanille's breathing slow down.

_Bitch._

She frowned at the wall. That word echoed around her head, ghostly and faint, as if from the past.

It was the past now.

Lightning couldn't remember her eyes closing.

* * *

_She'd walked quietly into the living room._

_A woman with jet black hair and dull blue eyes looked over at her._

"_What is it?"_

"_We're out of toothpaste." She muttered, shuffling her feet. There were two barks of laughter, one from the woman, the other from a man with a shaved head. Denny. That was his name._

"_You're out of toothpaste!" He roared. She couldn't understand what was so funny. The woman was grinning from ear to ear. It didn't look like it suited her._

"_Squeeze the tube girl. Squeeze it hard." She burst out laughing again. "Out. Scram."_

"_Yes mammy." She'd muttered. Mammy. That woman was her mother. _

_She'd gone back into the bathroom and squeezed the tube. No more toothpaste came out._

_She'd go without brushing her teeth tonight._

_And then she woke up in her dream, in her bed with the red sheets. She pulled out the cotton wool in her ears. And she'd walked out to the living room in her pyjamas._

_It was raining, lightning and thunder exploding across the sky. Since they lived in a sky house, they were so close to it all. It was exciting._

_Her mam was sitting at the sofa, head in her hands. Ironing abandoned, clothes thrown all over the floor._

"_Mammy?" She'd asked quietly. "Mammy, what's wrong? Do you need tea? Or coffee? Dry toast?" That's always what her mam wanted when she had one of her special headaches she got most mornings._

"_He's left." She whispered._

"_Who's left?"_

"_What do you mean who you stupid girl!?" Her mam had snapped. "Denny of course!"_

_Relief flooded through her. Denny had been creepy, angry and they always argued. He kept coming into her room at night when he thought she was asleep. She didn't like him. But her mam did. She decided to get her mum the special drink that cheered her up, the one that looked like water but came from a glass bottle and always had ice in it._

"_Why did he leave?" Her mam whispered out loud. "Why'd he leave?"_

_She shrugged and headed towards the kitchen, wondering if there was any left under the sink. There was. She poured it into a glass and pulled ice out of the fridge. She put a cocktail umbrella in there as well, to be more festive._

_She walked into the living room. Her mam was standing up now, that was good._

"_Denny." She whispered. "You." She turned to face her. "It's your fault Lightning. You. You bitch." Her eyes were like slits. Her mam grabbed her by the sleeve and pulled her over to the wall, slamming her into it. "He left 'cause of you. You've wreaked my life, all the time."_

"_Mammy..." She whimpered._

"_Shut up you!" She grabbed the closest thing to hand, the iron._

_And the flat metal with the little holes for the burning steam to escape was near her face, and it was hot, really really hot._

_She kicked but her mam was holding her arm across her throat, and she bit and her mam swore and –_

_There was a noise like firecrackers, and it smelt like it too, and she screamed so loudly. Her head was exploding, on fire like the house across the road, the hot metal was on her hair and her face and her ear and she was screaming and kicking. Then it went on her foot, and she screeched._

"_Shut up Light!" Her mam snapped, slapping her across the face. "Don't let them hear you!"_

_Them. The neighbours. The social services. The police. The government. Anyone._

_She made faces and her shoulders heaved but no noise escaped. The iron was still on her foot._

_Her mam froze, eyes wide._

_The iron was taken off her foot, and now she was on the sofa. Her mam was wandering around, as if in a daze, not really focusing on anything._

"_You all right Lightning?"_

"_Yes mam."_

"_You hurt bad?"_

"_No mam."_

"_I'm going now Light."_

"_Ok mam."_

_Her mam walked over to her on the sofa and made her lie down. Her head still hurt, but she didn't say anything in case her mam got mad again. She was holding a bag, there was a clinking noise coming from it._

"_I've got to find Denny. He'll sort it all out." She felt ill, but said nothing. She didn't want Denny back. Her mam was unsteady on her feet, she hoped she got the lift down to the ground._

"_OK mam."_

"_Don't let them find you Light." Her mam had said. And with that she turned away and left._

_She lay on the sofa and whimpered quietly. Her head and foot was aching so much. She could hear the whir of the lift. Then all that was left was the murmur of Cocoon and the thunder in the sky._

"_Mammy?" She asked out loud, but shush, quietly, because she couldn't let anyone find her._

* * *

"Lightning...! _LIGHTNING_!!"

Lightning woke up with sweat on her face and breathing rapidly.

Vanille was sitting on the edge of her bed, holding her hand.

"You okay?" She asked. "You were screaming in your sleep –" Vanille stopped as footsteps could be heard heading towards the room. "Crap, here comes Snow."

True to Vanille's prediction, Snow opened the door and hurried into the room, shutting the door behind her.

"What the hell was going on?" He asked, looking from Lightning to Vanille. Vanille shrugged and looked at Lightning.

Lightning breathed out slowly and raised a hand to her head. A burn mark on her scalp, from where the iron had landed. She had never known what had caused it before.

Her face was wet.

"Lightning, what's wrong?" Vanille asked again. "It was just a nightmare, yeah? It wasn't real-"

"It was." Lightning whispered. "It was real."

"I'm confused." Snow admitted. Vanille began explaining about waking up hearing Lightning protesting in her sleep.

Lightning pulled herself into a ball and breathed out. She'd always wished a memory would return, and now her wish had come true. In the worse way possible.

"A nightmare?" Snow asked. "What was so bad about it?"

And then it all spilled out, about Denny and her mam, and the vodka and hangovers, Denny leaving, the iron, and then her mam leaving. Everyone leaving. She never meant for it to spill out, but it did, faster than she could stop it.

Vanille hugged her. Lightning felt uncomfortable and wriggled in an attempt to get free. Snow then piped up.

"That may be more useful than you think." He said. "The word 'Mammy' was only used in certain parts of Cocoon. It might help work out where you came from." He paused. "Not every mother is like that."

"Hm." Lightning said nothing, she merely wriggled free of Vanille's grasp.

"They aren't. You should say sorry to Hope."

"Whatever." Lightning had put up her shell again, turning onto her side and staring at the wall.

"Light-"

"Goodnight."

Vanille and Snow exchanged looks of exasperation. Vanille shrugged and climbed back into her bed, as Snow headed towards the door.

Just as he stepped out he heard Lightning speak again.

"And thanks..."

He smiled slightly and shut the door behind him.

Lightning scratched some of the paint off the wall with a fingernail, examining the memory in her mind. Every bit of it was torturous but precious, a key to finding out what her past was. It would take more than an iron to stop her.

Lightning smiled slightly, hidden in the darkness of the room.

She'd scraped away a layer of paint.

* * *

**OK, that may not have made any sense: it's late and I'm hyper.**

**The bit with Lightning's mother was pretty much lifted from the book, although I changed it a bit. Denny is from Solace of the road, as is Lightning's mother... well, the description isn't the same, but you get what I mean.**

**I'd recommend listening to 'Concrete Angel' by Martina McBride, it's such a sad song.**

**OK, I better head off, it's vair late over here!**

**I looove you all very much!!!**

**Oh yeah, and please review!**

**Mucho thank ye.**


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